If you have an income, are healthy, and your wife wants a baby and is healthy, there probably isn’t a valid excuse to delay children

the couple tries real hard (sorry can’t get more vivid this place is rated G) and God says no.

This is really creepy. It starts off being oddly specific in a 1950s way - working husband with wife who wants children. Then it puts a lot of very specific words and feelings into the wife’s mouth that an essayist probably shouldn’t. It has a creepy patriarchal edge - the wife can’t tell the husband what she’s feeling because she “respects” him. Then the passive-aggressive gets turned on males: “I really hope that your lack of response to your wife comes from a lack of understanding her and her situation. I really hope it’s not a lack of maturity or biblical thinking or love that’s behind this delay.”

There are so many weird rhetorical moves and odd assumptions about gender and how married couples relate that this is just icky.

[Charlie]

This is really creepy.

‘I really hope that your lack of response to your wife comes from a lack of understanding her and her situation. I really hope it’s not a lack of maturity or biblical thinking or love that’s behind this delay.’

…this is just icky.

Creepy, icky — I would’ve used the word “freakish”…

Love the last paragraph and the assumptions contained therein, as though couples without children (or with a low number - say, “sub-Duggar”) are sitting around thinking, “Well, we could have a baby, but — BMW is introducing a new 4 series next year…”

“Wants” might not be the right word; it might make her desire seem less serious. Did you know that your wife spends a lot of time crying about this – when you’re not around, because she doesn’t want to upset you or disrespect you? She calls her friends up when she needs to talk about this and they do their best to comfort her, but it’s really not much. She avoids the baby section of the grocery store because one time she went through it and ended up sobbing in the parking lot without the groceries. She is not being a suck. She is suffering.

Well, the author at least gets points for being transparently manipulative. That ought to count for something…but I’m not sure what.

Sadly, this is the exact situation my sister is going through. She has been married for almost 7 years. No children. For a while now, she has been thinking about and desiring to have children. But when she talks to her husband, he comes up with excuses for why they shouldn’t have any right now. He claims they can’t afford it. Though both of them are teachers and live in Colorado Springs, and didn’t pay too much for their house.

I feel bad for her because I know he probably just doesn’t want any kids. She is 31 years old, so she still has time. But I wonder if that is a valid reason for divorce. If you marry someone, and then later you find out they don’t want to have children, are they not denying you something that is your right, according to the Bible?

Christian,

No its not a valid reason for divorce.

According to Catholic canon law, one can get an annulment if the other spouse is unwilling to have children. Protestants have varied approaches to this. Depriving a spouse of children used to be considered a very serious offense. Part of the optional approach to children was softening that line. I’m torn, b/c I don’t agree with Catholics that procreation is the primary justification for marriage, but I do tend to think that such a fundamental disagreement about the purpose of marriage could be a reason to dissolve a relationship.

Divorce is a concession to sinful people, and the only Biblical grounds are adultery. I would encourage your sister to seek counsel from her Pastor; I think this is an issue that needs to be addressed by him. It is a heart-wrenching situation.

[Charlie]

According to Catholic canon law, one can get an annulment if the other spouse is unwilling to have children. Protestants have varied approaches to this. Depriving a spouse of children used to be considered a very serious offense. Part of the optional approach to children was softening that line. I’m torn, b/c I don’t agree with Catholics that procreation is the primary justification for marriage, but I do tend to think that such a fundamental disagreement about the purpose of marriage could be a reason to dissolve a relationship.

[TylerR]

Divorce is a concession to sinful people, and the only Biblical grounds are adultery. I would encourage your sister to seek counsel from her Pastor; I think this is an issue that needs to be addressed by him. It is a heart-wrenching situation.

Mt 19:9. Obviously, reconciliation is the goal and adultery is not a trump card (e.g. “Yes, she cheated and now I’m outta here!”).

Tyler, what Christian has the right to have a hard heart?

Failure to have children is not grounds for marriage. Children neither make nor break the marriage covenant, which is to be picture of Christ and the church. The marriage relationship trumps the parent/child relationship.

One might wonder why she married this guy with such an obvious character flaw, but many men just refuse to grow up and take responsibility. They want the sex without the responsibility.

I don’t know if my sister ever talked to her husband about children before they got engaged. It is possible they did, and he lied to her about whether he wished to have children. It is also possible that she naively assumed that he would want children. Or maybe she was afraid to ask.

I know that sometimes when we date we are afraid to bring up certain topics for fear of finding out the answer.

I know that the times I have gone on dates, I have been guilty of not asking important questions, such as “how many boyfriends have you had”, “would you like to have children one day?”, or the hardest one of all… “are you a virgin?”.

I guess I am afraid of what I might hear. I know the type of person I am, and I know I would begin to form mental pictures in my head and not be able to see the person the same way.

I always cover the Children question in premarital counseling. She should have known before they were married. Very sad that he did not tell her.

[Rob Fall]

the couple tries real hard (sorry can’t get more vivid this place is rated G) and God says no.

The author does seem to be addressing those husbands who have taken intentional measures to prevent pregnancy.

I do think some of you might have somewhat of a point in your observations about tone and such, but at the same time, there are plenty of professing believers who, right or wrong, live in what you might deem a more antiquated approach.

Regardless, the intentional delay of children for very long after a marriage begins seems at best unwise. What one might lack in finances or material preparedness is easily overcome with any kind of resourcefulness, and youthful energy and stamina is a decided benefit when raising an infant the first time (not that life experience can’t also be an asset).