By Christopher Cone on
Parenting
Spanking

Father and son

Especially in light of increasing public pressures not to spank children, parents are legitimately questioning whether or not spanking should be a part of their repertoire. As parents who seek to train up our children as God has prescribed, we must look to His word as our authoritative source for parental training. Thankfully, the Bible has much to say regarding parental discipline. But can it bring clarity to the question of spanking? Does the Bible teach that parents should spank their children?

I believe yes, and yes—but with very specific parameters and limitations. The Bible is quite clear about disciplinary method, purpose, and results. Biblical discipline is always to be conducted in love and for the purpose of the growth and godliness of the one being disciplined. It is never punishment, and never abusive. It is painful, yes, but should never be harmful. Over the course of five articles I will consider in detail five very direct passages pertaining to the physical disciplining of children: Proverbs 13:24, 22:15, 23:13-14, and 29:15, and Hebrews 12:5-13.

As this series begins, I must preface it by noting that many events of the Hebrew Bible take place under the economy of the Mosaic Law, and because that Law governed Israel as a nation and not church-age believers of today, we need to be cautious to properly understand Old Testament context. We certainly don’t want to misapply a principle or a mandate. But the book of Proverbs makes things relatively simple. Proverbs is filled with universal truths not restricted to any particular era or economy, but broadly applicable to God’s people in any age. So, we begin there.

He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. (NASB, Prov. 13:24)

The Hebrew shebet, references a rod or staff, used typically in the pastoral setting as a physical restrainer and teacher for the governing of a flock. The one who hates his son is withholding (Heb., cho-sek, participle) the rod from, or refraining to use the rod on his son.

Hate (Heb., sane) is a prominently used word indicating a disposition one might have toward an enemy. In a literal grammatical-historical understanding, the meaning of the phrase is crystal clear: withholding the rod of discipline is simply hateful toward a child.

By contrast, the one who is loving (Heb., ahav—here in the participle form) his son disciplines diligently. The Hebrew shahar (is diligent) is a verb in the Piel stem—a stem that is intensive or emphatic. The phrase could be accurately translated as, “The one loving his son is a very, very diligent discipliner.” A discipliner in this phrase is contrasted with the withholder of the rod in the previous one. The simple question implied for parents is this: “Do we or do we not love our children?” We do so (at least in part) by providing them discipline (Heb., noun, musar—reproof, chastening, or correction). In this context there is but one litmus test for parental love.

Some practical implications

While we can’t yet flesh out a functionally comprehensive understanding of the Biblical perspective on spanking until we have examined all the related passages and considered them synthetically, there are some principles immediately evident from this first passage:

(1) Proper discipline is associated with the use of the rod. How much and how forcefully, and when to apply the rod and for what purpose, are issues not addressed in this particular passage. We can’t even assert from this passage that the rod should be the exclusive method of discipline. Such an assertion goes beyond the text itself. Nonetheless, the association of the rod to proper discipline is undeniable.

(2) Proper discipline is associated with love. The reasons are not explained in this verse, but the only passages in Proverbs that mention parental love (3:12 and 13:24) describe the expression of that love in terms of discipline. Whereas punishment may be associated with retribution and wrath, discipline is not related to those ideas.

(3) Proper discipline is not described here in terms of abuse or causing harm, nor is it described as punishment. Likewise, God does not punish His children; instead He disciplines them. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1), and punishment is related to condemnation. On the other hand, discipline is for training up in righteousness—and that is an important part of every believer’s walk. Since God exemplifies righteous fatherhood, we should, of course, seek to emulate His approach with His children: discipline is to be conducted as an expression of love for the spiritual well-being of the child, and punishment should have no place in the parental vocabulary of the believer.

We begin, then, to catalog the principles, until we have examined each of the related passages in order to understand how the principles complement one another, and finally to address the questions of how spanking is to be utilized by the believer, if at all.

While I hope to clarify some of these things as the series progresses, I challenge readers not to wait for me—and not to simply rely on my words, but rather to search these things out on their own. If these articles accomplish anything at all, I hope they challenge readers (1) to value the Scriptures as the ultimate guide for parenting (and even life itself) and (2) to be diligent in searching its pages.

Discussion

Tue, 01/17/12
Matthew 18:1-14
At that time the disciples came to Jesus and said, “Who then is greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2 And He called a child to Himself and set him before them, 3 and said, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 “Whoever then humbles himself as this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 “And whoever receives one such child in My name receives Me;
6 but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. 7 “Woe to the world because of its stumbling blocks! For it is inevitable that stumbling blocks come; but woe to that man through whom the stumbling block comes! 8 “If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than to have two hands or two feet and be cast into the eternal fire. 9 “If your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than to have two eyes and be cast into the fiery hell. 10 “See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven.
11 “For the Son of Man has come to save that which was lost. 12 “What do you think? If any man has a hundred sheep, and one of them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the mountains and go and search for the one that is straying? 13 “If it turns out that he finds it, truly I say to you, he rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine which have not gone astray. 14 “So it is not the will of your Father who is in heaven that one of these little ones perish.
Matthew 19:13-14 Then some children were brought to Him so that He might lay His hands on them and pray; and the disciples rebuked them. 14 But Jesus said, “Let the children alone, and do not hinder them from coming to Me; for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
Psalm 103:13-14 Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. 14 For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust.

www.annesokol.com

Tue, 01/17/12
[Anne Sokol] You really need to read/be aware of Tedd Tripp’s Shepherding a Child’s Heart, probably the most popular parenting book in fundamental circles today. It’s spank early, spank often, spank only (and talk).
Could you please provide a citation for this, Anne?

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Greg Long, Ed.D. (SBTS)

Pastor of Adult Ministries
Grace Church, Des Moines, IA

Adjunct Instructor
School of Divinity
Liberty University

Tue, 01/17/12
[Anne Sokol] I really disagree with that presentation of children. They certainly are sinners. But they are more open and trusting and swayable regarding spiritual truths than teens or adults are. God made them with a special openness to their parents, and that is a trust and openness that God designed.

I don’t want to raise kids who think that God is pleased or displeased with them based on their actions, to think that God is waiting to punish their sins or mistakes. My heart’s desire is to have kids who understand that Christ did everything for them, everything, every required obedience. And that they be filled with love and gratefulness because of that. And now they are free to serve others as Christ served them; that they have the rudimentary tools of inner discipline so that their heart’s love and faith can be expressed through their lives. That they trust God’s love and character so that they can accept disciplining trials from His hand with gratefulness and not doubt of their standing before Him.
What is a child’s eternal destiny if they understand the Gospel but have not yet accepted Christ as their Savior?

Scenescape Media

Tue, 01/17/12
[Greg Long]
[Anne Sokol] You really need to read/be aware of Tedd Tripp’s Shepherding a Child’s Heart, probably the most popular parenting book in fundamental circles today. It’s spank early, spank often, spank only (and talk).
Could you please provide a citation for this, Anne?
Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Chapter 15, Infancy to Childhood: Training Procedures [birth to age 4 or 5]:
When does a child need a spanking? When you have given a directive that he has heard and is within his capacity to understand and he has not obeyed without challenge, without excuse or without delay, he needs a spanking. If you fail to spank, you fail to take God’s Word seriously. You are saying you do not believe what the Bible teaches about the import of these issues. (p. 149)
Rebellion can be something as simple as an infant struggling against a diaper change or stiffening out his body when you want him to sit on your lap. The discipline procedure is the same as laid out above. You have no way of knowing how much a child a year old or less can undedrstand of waht you say, but we do know that understanding of what you say, but we do know that understanding comes long before the ability to articulate does. (p. 154)
Susan, i really couldn’t give you a definitive answer. I like how John MacArthur explains infant death/destiny, but I don’t know what he says about older children, and I don’t know that I subscribe to the age of accountability idea. I know that whatever God does is just and good.

But that’s not really the point of my comment. I am saying that God has created the parent-child relationship very specially, that children are very open to hearing/believing in God. Christ said several times that the kingdom of heaven is made of such as these, that we have to become like children. So I am not saying they’re all automatically saved, but there is a definite openness.

www.annesokol.com

Tue, 01/17/12
I was just curious, because some folks do believe that children are innocent, in the sense that they cannot commit sin until they are old enough to understand sin…. even so far as young children don’t need to wear clothes, etc…

I agree that children have a sense of faith that adults have pretty much had educated out of them. What I don’t believe is that I shouldn’t ever use spanking because a child is ‘open-minded’. Sometimes they are so open-minded that their brains fall out. Children might not understand all the implications of their behavior, but I do not subscribe to the romanticized notion of the ‘pure and innocent’ child- they are capable of wickedness, and it is our responsibility to guide, teach, and train with all Biblical means necessary.

Scenescape Media

Tue, 01/17/12
[Anne Sokol]
[Greg Long]
[Anne Sokol] You really need to read/be aware of Tedd Tripp’s Shepherding a Child’s Heart, probably the most popular parenting book in fundamental circles today. It’s spank early, spank often, spank only (and talk).
Could you please provide a citation for this, Anne?
Shepherding a Child’s Heart, Chapter 15, Infancy to Childhood: Training Procedures [birth to age 4 or 5]:
When does a child need a spanking? When you have given a directive that he has heard and is within his capacity to understand and he has not obeyed without challenge, without excuse or without delay, he needs a spanking. If you fail to spank, you fail to take God’s Word seriously. You are saying you do not believe what the Bible teaches about the import of these issues. (p. 149)
Rebellion can be something as simple as an infant struggling against a diaper change or stiffening out his body when you want him to sit on your lap. The discipline procedure is the same as laid out above. You have no way of knowing how much a child a year old or less can undedrstand of waht you say, but we do know that understanding of what you say, but we do know that understanding comes long before the ability to articulate does. (p. 154)
So he doesn’t really say “spank early, spank often, spank only”, does he?

-------
Greg Long, Ed.D. (SBTS)

Pastor of Adult Ministries
Grace Church, Des Moines, IA

Adjunct Instructor
School of Divinity
Liberty University

Tue, 01/17/12
i definitely think that children are guilty of sin and they are fairly capbable of understanding right and wrong. And they have a sin nature. So that’s not factoring into my thinking here. (I think adults probably have a more sophisticated and practiced sin nature than kids, ironically, as much as we hammer on the kids are born rebellious thing.)

using the phrase “all biblical means necessary” is kind of vague. I don’t think the Bible gives a lot of “tools” like using distraction, sticker charts, consequences, whatnot, kwim?

about Tripp, no it’s not a quote. it’s a summary, I confess ;) Rebellion expressed through squirming in a diaper change? And his definition of obedience is weird, too.

www.annesokol.com

Tue, 01/17/12
We make decisions every day based on Biblical principles and examples, especially when we don’t have Scriptures that deal with air conditioning, oil changes, and coupon clipping. The Bible includes the rod as a means of teaching and training children with no theological hoop jumping. Ipso pipso.

Scenescape Media

Tue, 01/17/12
I’ve got to leave this topic for a while. Will be back, though maybe not in this thread.

What I’ve got to say is getting very repetitive.

As for Ted Tripp… Tripp’s view is his own. My view is mine. One of the causes of confusion on this topic is lumping everyone together.

Do I believe the Proverbs “require spanking of small children”?

That’s really not quite an accurate summary of my view.

A better summary would be this:

I believe the Proverbs require the intentional use of pain, encourage parents to be unafraid of the physical kind of pain, do not limit use of physical pain to any particular age.

The application of this means spanking needs to occur in the life of just about every child. How often and how young is going to vary a great deal in families where wise parents are following Proverbs (and the rest of the Scripture, which is not in any way at odds w/the teaching of Proverbs).

Wisdom and gentleness (a fruit of the Spirit and also the spirit of Eph.6.4) means you don’t, as a parent, use more pain that is needful to accomplish the task.

I’ve gone beyond summary now, but these are all assertions I’ve already made but that seem to not sink in… One more: anything particular means of disciplinary pain you use all the time (whether time out, losing an item, losing a privilege, getting a swat, or whatever) is not working. I do not believe in frequent spanking because, well, it’s folly to keep doing exactly the same thing and think you’re going to get a different result.

Views expressed are always my own and not my employer's, my church's, my family's, my neighbors', or my pets'. The house plants have authorized me to speak for them, however, and they always agree with me.

Tue, 01/17/12
just wanted to say, i’m really happy we’re having this conversation in general. So much out there about spanking and spiritual parenting that is bizzare. I am really surprised that Tripp’s book is so popular, for example. It has so many strange errors in it, but it all sounds so good, it’s hard to pinpoint his mistakes. but it’s been so almost-universally accepted in Christian circles.

I wish we would research the topic of “adversarial” parenting, too. Anyway, I like threads like this. I think it helps people comb out what are universal things and what is not.

About Mike Durning’s concerns about totally not spanking (i think in the other thread?), I think Clay Clarkson addresses all of those in his book, Heartfelt Discipline. I htink it’s coming out in a new edition or is out already. He addresses the “ben” use in that proverb briefly, and the Heb 12 passage in a long end note. The book is worth looking into because he fits together a lot of pieces of the Bible.

About Aaron Blumer pointing out that tactics with children have been much harsher in the past, I think that is very true. maybe not everywhere, but very much. I was thinking about what what in vogue before spanking—from the movies I’ve watched—Anne of Avonlea, Little Women, Jane Eyre—it used to be that they struck the palm of the hand with a strap or stick. Not sure when it became spanking. It would be interesting to read parenting advice from the 1800s. I was thinking about boxing ears, twisting ears, dunce caps, copying sentences… .

anyway, i was thinking how cool it would be, if the forums open to others to comment, Clay Clarkson could comment in these threads. He would probably have a wealth of information, and they seem to be very gracious. I’ve talked to his wife about having their book translated into Russian.

anyway, yak, yak, yak, gotta go :)

www.annesokol.com