Babylon Bee

Of 5061 respondents, only two marked the “Agree” box when asked to consider the statement, “Baptizing infants or young children is a biblical practice.” On further analysis, these results were thrown out, as what appeared to be pencil markings were in fact vomit.

Recent Shortage Of Heaven-And-Back Trips Puts Family Christian Stores Out Of Business

The registry, called ASSIMIL8, provides gay couples with a list of business owners whose privately held personal beliefs may reflect traditional Christian views on marriage. The excited fiancés can then pick whose lives they want to totally destroy with a lengthy and frivolous lawsuit, as they anticipate their cheerful nuptials.

Babylon Bee: Either he was powerful enough to stop the Star Wars prequels from happening and didn’t, meaning he can’t possibly be all-good—or else he wanted the prequels stopped and couldn’t do it, meaning he can’t possibly be all-powerful.

Babylon Bee: “I always said that instrument of evil would get us into trouble,” longtime church member Helen Van Wagner told reporters.

Babylon Bee: The mishap reportedly occurred sometime late Wednesday afternoon, when the company sent a maintenance team to perform the usual weekly lawn and planter upkeep.

Babylon Bee: We want to show respect and adoration to our Lord on the day commemorating His birth,” pastor Kyle Redding told reporters. “So we’ll be calling off all the services in which we usually sing praises to Him and study His Word, in order that He’ll be more glorified.

Babylon Bee: The Fullers plan to use a New Testament verse next year, to avoid a similar problem. “We’ll pick something Jesus said—he always spoke kind words of gentleness,” Jim noted.

Chick-fil-A Bought By Southern Baptist Convention For Billions Is False

Nation Shocked, Horrified As Christians Hold Christian Position